Leaving California
by theonlyxception
Summary: Her dreams were almost as haunting as her reality was. As she watched the early morning filter through the curtains, she didn't dare move, just in case she was still dreaming. If she wasn't, her reality had just become a nightmare anyway, and she had been half expecting it to get worse some time during the night.
1. Leaving California

**But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning in the wound that would not heal. It's the bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear. - Fallen; Sarah McLachlan **

Her dreams were almost as haunting as her reality was. As she watched the early morning filter through the curtains, she didn't dare move, just in case she was still dreaming. If she wasn't, her reality had just become a nightmare anyway, and she had been half expecting it to get worse some time during the night. Carver knew their secret, and that made her heart heavier than it was just moments ago. It was the reason that she couldn't answer his phone call. She couldn't afford to tear her family apart even more than it had already been torn.

In the span of a day, they had become the most hated family in Gracepoint. Not realizing what Joe was doing, she could take the blame for that. However, when it came to her children, she wouldn't let the town's hatred reach them. She couldn't. It would destroy them and she could never forgive herself if it did.

As she looked across at the room at her sleeping children, Ellie suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness for them. The one place they had known, they would probably never return to. She didn't know if she could ever take them back here, or rather if they could ever show their faces around this part of California ever again. Dylan was too young to understand that, or what his father had done. Tom had a better understanding of it all, but it still wasn't enough.

"_I don't understand."_ Her son's words resounded in her head. _"I don't understand what's going on. What am I supposed to do?" _

Her eyes filled with tears and the bile rose in her throat; she shivered as she stepped out of the warm protective covers of the hotel bed. She absently left the bathroom door ajar as she emptied her stomach into the toilet, wiped at her mouth with toilet paper before flushing and sliding down the corner wall—the same wall she had found Tom huddled in yesterday afternoon.

"_I don't know, sweetheart. I don't understand it either."_

Her breathing was labored as she stared at the white tile wall, streaked with grey that made it look like someone had run their dirty fingers over the tile. It was sad that she was comparing their life to the color of tiles. However, she couldn't help comparing that it was almost as if someone had dirtied their spotless life and covered it with ash.

"Mom?"

As soon as she heard his voice, she snapped out of her thoughts. "Tom." She wiped at her eyes. "What are you doing up? You're supposed to be sleeping."

He shrugged. "Are you thinking about Dad?"

"A little." Her voice was soft as she patted the edge of the bathtub. "And what to do next."

"Because of me we can never come back here, can we?" His expression was full of grief as he sat on the edge of the porcelain tub.

"What happened is not your fault, do you understand me?" Casting his eyes to the floor, she sat up. "Tom."

Biting down on his lower lip as a sign that he was listening, he nodded. "If I hadn't followed him, Danny might still be alive."

She shook her head, wishing for things to be different. "We don't know that for sure."

His eyes widened at her confession; he hopped up from where he had been sitting and took a step back from her. "You're wrong. Dad would never do something like that. He would never do something like that." The look in his eyes was begging her to tell him that was wrong. It was impossible for her to tell him that was true, only because she didn't know what would have happened.

Maybe Joe would have actually thrown Danny off the cliff, instead of using a boat. Perhaps he would have committed such a despicable act that there would be nothing left of him.

"_He was twelve years old!" She had seethed, upon seeing Joe for the first time since he had confessed to murdering Danny. _

Twelve. The same age as their son. What scared her was that it could have been her son instead of Danny. Instead of sitting in a hotel room, she could be grieving the death of her son. Yet, he was still standing in front of her. His voice broke. "Danny was my best friend."

"I know."

"How could he-" Tom inquired in frustration. "How could he be dead?" Hitting his hands against the porcelain sink, tears ran down his cheeks. She got up quickly; he fought against her as she wrapped her arms around him, but she only held him tighter. His knees buckled as they sat down right there on the floor, both crying now.

**So this is the end of the story. Everything we had, everything we did is buried in dust, and this dust is all that's left of us. - Eyes Wide Open; Gotye **

They took the back way of town; just for safe measure-though it was barely six am. Dylan had woken just after they had a good cry, which just added to the fact that they couldn't stay cooped up in that hotel for one more minute. So they had packed up their only belongings and were on their way.

The change of scenery was almost liberating. The air was still heavy; sadness still lingered around them, but now they could have a fresh start. Tom continued to stare out the window, his mouth set with a heavy frown. Dylan was picking at the edge of his blanket, sometimes looking out the window and pointing to a tree or a car. He often had a quizzical look on his face, mostly because the places they drove by, he had never seen before.

She had bought something on the way out, as soon as they were far enough from Gracepoint. They sat in the car, picking at their food. Now the bag sat in the passenger seat, ready to be discarded at the next stop. After another five hours in the car, she parked in the hotel parking lot and threw away the bag before waking her sleeping children.

Tom sluggishly walked beside her, while Dylan snoozed on her shoulder as they walked through the doors of a hotel. A woman with short black hair, was standing behind the lobby counter. As Ellie approached, the woman looked them over with a gentle smile.

"How can I help you this afternoon?" Her gold badge flashed against the bright lights of the chandelier, which revealed her name: Libby.

"I would like to reserve a room."

"Did you make a reservation?"

"No."

"That's okay. We just have to ask just in case you did." She paused to look at the screen. "We have two double beds on the first floor. Will that work?"

"That would be perfect, thank you."

"Don't mention it." Libby gave her a reassuring smile as she quickly typed in the information. "How long are you staying here in Redding?"

"Just for tonight."

"Alright. Heading somewhere special?"

"Oregon."

"Definitely a place worth the drive." Picking up a key from underneath the counter, she placed it on the counter. "You will be in our Studio Two suite—room 212 will be at the end of the hall. Breakfast will be served starting at seven-thirty and ends at ten. The room will come to one hundred five dollars. How would you like to pay?"

"Cash." Digging in her purse, Ellie pulled out the envelope that she had gotten when they had stopped at the ATM, and pulled out a hundred dollar bill and another five dollars from her wallet before handing it to her.

"All right—you are all set. "Check out time is eleven o'clock." If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask." Libby handed her a receipt.

"Thank you." Ellie folded the paper receipt and stuffed it into her wallet. The chairs that her children had been sitting in was now vacant. As she looked around the lobby, her heart pounded then quieted as she found Dylan toddling around; Tom following close behind.

**I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind... - Boston; Augustana**

They shut the door to their hotel room, when Tom turned to her. "Mom? What's in Oregon?"

She sat down on the edge of the nearest double bed, setting Dylan on her lap. "A new start, maybe." Her voice was soft and laced with a tiredness

"Does this mean we'll never go back to California after this?"

"Not sure we will for a long time."

"But what about the house? Our stuff? My friends?"

"I want you to know that us leaving, is not a done deal." Ellie put the next part delicately, "Your father and I decided that it was best that we leave for awhile."

At the mention of his father, his expression faltered as he cast his eyes to the floor. "I just want things to go back to how they were."

"Me too." She sighed as Dylan squirmed to get down off her lap. He stood by her as his little fingers tugged at the zipper of his coat. She gladly helped him as she watched Tom pull off his own coat and cast it on the other bed, then laid down against the covered pillow; his back turned towards her as he tucked his knees in towards his body.

Dylan looked over at her quizzically, pointing towards his brother. Not understanding all that was going on, he unwrapped his dinosaur from his favorite blanket and walked to the side where Tom was lying. He began pushing his toy from side to side on the edge of the bed, but Tom only pushed him away, his voice barely audible, "I'm not in the mood to play right now."

Placing the toy beside him, Dylan picked up his blanket from off the floor, walked back over and leaned against her leg. Running her fingers through his hair, they watched as Tom slowly ran his fingers over the long spikes of the dinosaur, then pushed the toy aside, as if he had just noticed that he was too old to be playing with plastic dinosaurs.

"How about we go get something to eat?"

Tom barely turned as he called over his shoulder, "I'm not really hungry."

She licked at her lips dryly. "I'm not really either, but we haven't eaten all day. How about room service?"

"You never let us order room service." He called over his shoulder, curling back into a fetal position

"I think today is an exception." She nodded, watching him closely.

"Can we order anything we want?"

"I wouldn't say anything, but you can pick one thing from the menu." The thoughts of ordering in, seemed to temporarily bring back the happiness that they had lost. She watched as he searched his nightstand; coming up empty-handed, he walked around the bed and they finally located a menu from the top drawer in the other nightstand.

Sitting down, they looked through the menu together; Dylan pointed to the pictures here and there as they tried to decide what to order. It took a lot of going back and forth before Tom ordered Golden crisp waffles; an Asian chicken salad for her and some cheesy macaroni for Dylan.

When it came, they had a movie set up that they would all enjoy. They ate in silence, watching scene after scene. Halfway through the movie they had curled up on the boy's bed together and finished watching the movie together. By the time the credits rolled, everyone was asleep.

Around 2 AM she woke and tucked the boys in. then turned off the light and crawled into the other bed. In the darkness, she blinked tiredly over at her phone that had been turned off since they had left. Sighing, she reached for it and turned it on. Now that the shock had dimmed slightly over the past couple of days, a moment of curiosity took over.

Two missed calls. One message.

_You're probably half way to wherever it is that you are now. You may driving still, I don't know. Right, why I'm really calling is because I didn't get a chance to tell you that I've decided to get the surgery. Not that any time is the right time to talk about something like that because clearly you're going through something far worse." He paused, as if he had been considering ending the message there." "Uh, last thing-you may think that nobody cares, but trust me there are people who still care about you and your family. That's it for now. See you around, Miller." _


	2. Dreams Are Made of Nightmares

**Not sure how many chapters I'll be writing for this. I might end up writing two or three more... Otherwise, I'll be writing this story for the next five years, like some of my ongoing stories. Enjoy this next installment of "Leaving California" Thank you to those who have left reviews! I appreciate them all.  
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><p><strong>I know I should stop believing. I know there's no retrieving. It's over now, what have you done?- What Have You Done; Within Temptation<strong>

Danny was still alive, playing ball with Tom outside. Joe was in the garage, tinkering with something he had been working on for Tom's birthday. Dylan was playing on the floor, while her and Beth sat on the couch drinking coffee and discussing motherhood.

Then the scenery changed to the moment they had invited Detective Carver over for dinner. The dining room walls seemed to be turning red with every sip of wine that Joe took that night. Time seemed to go in slow motion as she stood up from the table; neither one seemed to notice that she was studying them. The way Joe talked about how he had been fed up with being an EMT seemed to spark something inside that she hadn't noticed before. Had he been planning this all along?

"_Maybe not in the way that you think." _The dark glint in her husband's eyes, almost made him seem possessed as he stared at her from across the dining room table. Carver stayed seated in place, shoveling food in his mouth as if nothing were happening around him. _"You know that I didn't mean to harm Danny that night." _

"_But you did harm him! You knew exactly what you were doing when you went to the cabin that night, and you deliberately put Danny in harm's way. You made our son believe that nothing happened when he hit his friend with the paddle—" _

Slamming the palms of his hands on the table, his face screwed up in anger. _"I would never intentionally harm anyone-"_

Carver scooted his chair away from the table, wiping his face with his napkin."I almost forgot—who wants pie?" They both stared at him as if he had grown two heads. Of course he didn't wait for either of them to reply as he disappeared into the kitchen.

"_Can you believe that guy?"_ Joe pointed towards the kitchen. She looked towards the direction that he was pointing, but seemed to focus more on the blood that was starting to trickle down the walls. _"Remind me again why we invited him?" _

"_This isn't you."_ She placed one hand on her forehead, turning around and pacing.

"_What do you mean this isn't me? Of course it's me." _He looked desperately confused as he reached over and took a sip of his wine. As he did, blood would gush out from the growing crack in the wall.

"_I must be dreaming because this conversation never happened between us." _

He took two steps towards her; that charming smile gave her false hope. As long as she lived, she would never trust that smile again._ "But darling we're having it now." _She eyed her wine glass and threw it against the wall behind him. Another crack formed; blood reached the floor this time and pooled around his feet. Innocent blood. Her nice china was next as she hurled it at him like she were throwing a frisbee. Dodging it, the plate was now half embedded where the wall and ceiling came together. The wall cracked open and blood poured down the walls and surrounded him until he had completely disappeared.

**This is the hardest story that I've ever told. No hope or love or glory. Happy ending's gone forevermore. -Happy Ending; Mika**

Waking up with a startled cry, she tried desperately to catch her breath. Her heart continued to pound against her chest as she reminded herself that they were now in a hotel room, five hundred plus miles away. Regardless, the dream still felt real, and it caused an ache to settle in the pit of her stomach.

At five in the morning, she had grown accustomed to dragging herself out of bed, so that she could get ready for work. After Dylan had been born, she and Joe had thrown the idea back and forth about putting him in daycare, just like they had with Tom. When they couldn't decide what to do, Joe admitted that being an EMT wasn't working and he would gladly give it up to be a stay at home dad so she could go back to work. Two years later, this is what that moment lead up to.

Why? She didn't know. Maybe it was the freedom of him being home all day. Yet, he always claimed to have been doing laundry, cooking, cleaning the house or looking after the boys whenever she called to see how things were going. She had no doubt that he was doing those things, because when she came home, the house was always clean and her kids were healthy and safe.

At least she thought they had been safe—now she wasn't so sure they had been. If anything, those were the thoughts that kept her from going to sleep at night. Who was she kidding? Those were the thoughts that kept her from going back to sleep now. Instead, she blinked up at the ceiling and felt the emotional pitfall of the last couple days.

All of her dreams had become nightmares; she no longer slept soundly without him by her side. This bed wasn't hers, nor was it comfortable or soothing. Sitting up again, her body stopped swaying as she touched her bare feet to the carpet and quietly padded to the bathroom. As she looked into the mirror, her skin was paler than usual; her eyes had lost any remaining sparkle.

Her movements were slow as she reached for her towel and threw it over the curtain; stripping down to nothing, she pulled the curtain closed and let the hot water flow over her tired body. The water seemed to temporarily wash away the hurt, betrayal, isolation, sadness and many other emotions that were swirling around her at this point in time.

She took her time stepping out of the shower, wiping the condensation from the hotel mirror and wrapping the towel around her thin frame; her weight having hit its lowest point, due to skipping meals and stress reducing her lack of appetite. There were days where she only had the strength to go home and fall into bed, especially on the days both Danny and Jack had been discovered on the beach. And yet every time she had looked at that ring on her finger, she considered herself lucky that she had a family to come home to.

So what did that ring symbolize now? Broken vows? Lies? Secrets? None of it seemed right. Not that Tom had accidentally killed his best friend. Not her husband's secret coming out when he protected their son. Not that they were running away from one a wonderful home and definitely not the fact that they were so broken, they didn't know how to move on from it all.

**There she waits looking for a savior; someone to save her from a dying self. Always taking ten steps back and one step forward. She's tired, but she don't stop. -She; Laura Mvula**

Tom leaned against the car on the other side, leaving the door open as she buckled Dylan into his car seat. "Tom? Why don't you get settled in." She called from across the seat. "It's going to be another long drive."

"I don't understand why we can't stay here." Tom called over his shoulder.

"There you go, sweetie." Handing Dylan his dinosaur, she closed the door and carefully approached her eldest son. "You asked me earlier what was in Oregon and I told you that we were to start over."

"I know." He licked his lips nervously. "What about Uncle Owen? We kind of just left him in California."

"You're right, we did. But your Uncle Owen is a grown up has been living on his own for awhile, so we have to believe that he can take care of himself."

"Okay." He didn't seem completely convinced as he hopped into the car. She let it go for now, not having the energy to explain everything just yet.


	3. Maybe He Would Still Be Alive

**Who will bring me flowers when it's over? And who will give me comfort when it's cold? Who will I belong to when the day just won't give in? And who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins? - Flowers For a Ghost- Thriving Ivory**

She peered into the car mirror to see Tom reading, or rather pretending to read as he had yet to turn the page even once. There was something on his mind, but it was hard to tell what he was thinking about now. It was possible that he was working out something when they stopped at the three mile mark, and clearly it was still on his mind now that they were an hour from their destination.

"What's on your mind?"

He scooted forward, scratching the place where the seat belt had rubbed against his neck. "Why did you take off your wedding ring?"

She thought carefully about the answer she would give him. "I want you to know that I do love your father, but know that I am very angry and confused right now." She glanced into the rear view mirror, as he slumped down in his seat.

"Are you sure that you're not mad at me like you're mad at him?" She thought about putting her foot on the break; the intersection was lined with cars both ways. It appeared that there was some kind of car accident or blockage ahead.

Turning around, she stretched her legs onto the passenger seat. "Of course I'm not mad at you. Why would you think that?"

"If I hadn't followed Dad that night, maybe. . . maybe Danny would still be alive."

A cold shudder ran through her body as she turned around to look at the standstill traffic. She didn't have the heart to tell him that his father might have done other things to his friend, maybe even to him if he hadn't been there that night. The thought caused her stomach to pull into knots. "Can I ask you something?"

He shrugged in response. "Why didn't you come to me that night?"

He looked down at his hands; a look of torment crossed his expression. "I didn't want to get in trouble for sneaking out of the house, and I didn't want Dad to get in trouble."

Sighing, she looked out the front window of the car; the car in front of her still hadn't moved an inch since she had last checked. "Look Tom—I know that I haven't really been there for you or Dylan the past few months. I'm sorry. I got so consumed trying to catch who killed Danny-"

"It's okay." He shrugged, bending over to put his book back into his bag.

"No, it's not. If I hadn't been working so hard, I wouldn't have taken those sleeping pills and maybe I could have caught Danny's killer sooner than we did."

Tom struggled to keep eye contact with her. "What would you have done if you knew it was him? I mean what did you do when you found out it was Dad?"

She considered what to tell him and what to leave out as she looked over at Dylan, who was now sucking his thumb in comfort as he slept in his car seat. "I remember begging it not to be him. I wanted it not to be him."

Closing his eyes, he rested his head against the car window. "I wanted to tell you-"

"I know you did." Stretching out her hand, he didn't pull away, which was a relief as her hand finally relaxed on his knee.

"I'm tired. Can we talk more about this later?" Nodding, she turned back around in her seat, her fingers drumming on the steering wheel. Just as she felt herself losing patience, the car in front of her began to move forward.

**When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. -Fix You; Coldplay **

"Hello?"

"Owen, it's Ellie." Having parked her car the nearby pay phone at the gas station, she glanced over in the back seat to make sure the boys were still asleep.

"Where are you? I came by the hotel and the guy at the front desk said you had already checked out."

"All you need to know right now is that we're safe."

"Okay, but you know it's not the same here without you guys."

"I know. But I think it's better that we get away for awhile." Dylan doesn't understand much, but Tom is having a really hard time with understanding everything that's going on."

"And you? How are you doing?"

"I'm okay." She said softly. "The boys are sleeping in the car, so I should probably check into the hotel soon."

"Hey, I want you to know that I'm on your side. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call."

She paused momentarily to catch her breath. "Thank you."

**Sleep baby sleep, what are you waiting for? The morning's on its way.**

"Mom?" Tom stood near her hotel bed, his shadow looming over her as the moonlight filtered in through the crack in the curtain. The lamp clicked on, basking the room with a soft light. Upon closer inspection, his face was red, as if he had been crying; his body trembling from head to toe.

"Tom, what is it?"

He bit down on his lower lip, as if he were regretting waking her. "Forget it." He pulled away as she caught his arm, just above his elbow. She pulled him back, making him sit down again as she slipped out of the covers.

"You no longer get to avoid talking to me." She half teased, although her tone was serious as she sat next to him on the bed. When he didn't respond, she nudged him with her shoulder and wrapped her arm around him. He sat stiffly beside her, staring across the room. "You know when you were Dylan's age, you used to love to crawl into bed with me." He continued to stare ahead. "You used to have nightmares."

They sat there for a few moments in silence before he responded in a monotone tone. "I saw Danny." He slowly turned towards her. "We were running. I couldn't stop him from falling-"

"What happened was not your fault."

"Then why am I having these dreams? Why can't I save him?"

Intertwining her fingers, she set her hands in her lap. "If there's anything I've learned in life is that sometimes things are out of our control." She looked around the room, concluding her point.

"I wanted to save him." He chimed in, as if he were finally starting to mourn the loss of his best friend.

"I know you did." She held onto him tightly as the sky grew lighter; a new day starting their journey.


End file.
